Nonviolent Communication and Conflict Management

FAMILY CONFLICT

Yesterday was a tough day for me, two of my sons and their families came to visit.  One I had not seen for a year.  For lunch, we all met at a small hamburger place, went for ice cream, and drove around K-State.  The conflict came when my sister and her family, decided that they were making the plans for the evening.  They decided on the place to go to eat, I had planned dinner at home with my family, and they came to my house and talked my sons and their families to go with them to eat.  That seemed fine but when the meal was finished they came back to my house and stayed for the whole evening.  I did not get a chance to talk to my family.  My sister and her daughter regulate the conversation.  At one point she suggested they go to her house as it was much bigger. After they left, my family only stayed for half an hour, it was late and they had a two-hour drive home.

I felt like she took all my time with them by planning the whole evening without even asking me.  She did say that if I did not want to go to that restaurant I could stay home with the seven kids and feed all of them.  My son, William said no, that does not work.  

As for communication skills, I had to step back, take a deep breath until morning before making a decision.  I consulted a friend as to how to handle my anger and disappointment.  She gave me some guidelines to follow which are in line with the 3 R’s, I was still pretty upset so it was good to have someone to talk to before I made a big mistake.  Usually when it comes to my sister, I just swallow it and go on but it has been building up for a number of years and this was like the last straw.  I felt that consulting someone who is more objective would be the best way. 

I just wanted to scream at my sister and tell her off.  It is much easier to talk to an angry parent than it is to talk to her.  In the past, she acts as if she did no wrong and cannot understand why I am upset.  My desire was to follow the skills in NVC by observing not evaluating, to think without all the feelings inside, to understand her side, but to clearly state my needs and how I felt she had overstepped my boundaries.

Respect, resolve and respond were extremely hard to follow but I do think that I did.  After consulting with my friend, I did write my sister an e-mail expressing my frustration and I was not accusatory or harsh, just expressed how I felt.  I kept in my ball part and was kind and respectful.  It was hard, but I know that what I said was not reactive but a good response. 

Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances -- Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions -- Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others.

 

References:

The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/

The Third Side. (n.d.). The third side. Retrieved from http://www.thirdside.org/

Cloud, H. & Townsend, J., (1992), Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life,   Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan

Blog assignment for week 4/ Who Am I as a Communicator?

I was amazed that the two evaluations were almost completely on track with my evaluation.  My sister and her daughter worked as a team and the young woman who lives next door did my evaluations.  Both evaluations were extremely close, the listening styles profile were the same, the verbal aggressiveness scale were the same and the communication anxiety inventory were within two points on their part.

This surprised me, it shows that I do work hard at being an approachable person and try to maintain a balance of respect and consideration for others’ viewpoint or opinions.  I am not always comfortable in all settings of communication but it is not something that gives me worries.

I am a people-oriented person, I was sure of that and the evaluations confirmed this.  I am a people watcher and like to participate in discussions, preferably a one-on-one or face-to-face but will participate in groups. 

I have less problem speaking in large groups than I do in small groups.  I have done some public speaking, having to speak to churches raising funds for support when I went to Africa.  I spoke to churches from 50 to 400, it was a good experience and I learned to be comfortable in front of people.  This is in line with the description that I am comfortable in some contexts and not so much in others.

My listening skills will make me a better teacher and supporter of families.  I have a heart for children and their families, to build relationships with them.  My problem comes when I put too much trust in people and do not have as good of judgment in situations that call for more objectivity.   

References:

·  Rubin, R. B., Palmgreen, P., & Sypher, H. E. (Eds.) (2009). Communication research measures: A sourcebook. New York: Routledge.

·  Rubin, R. B., Rubin, A. M., Graham, E. E., Perse, E. M., & Seibold, D. R. (Eds.) (2009). Communication research measures II: A sourcebook. New York: Routledge.

Diversity and Life

     I want to take this opportunity to give you a picture of where I am coming from on the diversity question.  For me diversity is a part of life: I have lived in Mexico, Nothern French Canada, Guinea West Africa, eight different states in eight different regions. I have taught in ESL classes with students from China, Jordan, Brazil, and Bangldesh, all of these being adults.
     In my teaching career in Africa, I taught a child from Korea, Canada, Madagascar, three different ages of African students in Kankan, Guinea, as well, nine American missionary children and then in the states; Apache, Navajo, Hopi First Nation's children. 
     In the last preschool setting I had three white children, one South African, one from Bangldesh, a Chactaw/Mexican, a Black/German, a Black/White, and 2 Black children.  This was all in one classroom.  With this in mind, you can see why I say that diversity has been a part of my life for the last 30 years.  On any given day, I can go outside my house and within thirty minutes I will have had contact with at least 2 international students. 
     I start my new job in the middle of August, in a new preschool with all new students, new parents, new collaegues.  I have no idea how diverse the classroom will be but I know that they will have my love and respect.  They will have my focus on giving them a sense of belonging and acceptance of their culture whatever it is. 
    I am not saying this to make myself look like an expert, for I certainly am not, just someone with a good deal of experience.  I have learned how to love people for who they are.

week 3 assignment

Communication and Culture

Do you find yourself communicating differently with people from different groups and cultures?

• Yes, I find that I am being reserved and withdrawn when meeting new people of my own culture, especially if it is a group of people.

If yes, in what ways do you communicate differently?

•  I guess I am strange but I feel more comfortable when meeting new people from another country, especially in a group. I find I can converse with most any person from another country rather easily if there is a common ground, like at a picnic for international students or an ESL setting.  I have many communication skills I have to improve: the tips that I have listed are ones that I had to stop and consider.

Based on what you have learned this week, share at least three strategies you could use to help you communicate more effectively with the people or groups you have identified.

Jamie Walters and Sarah Fenson in A Crash Course in Communication give twelve tips of a good communicator.  I have picked out three that seem important to me and will help me the most.

      Don’t take another person’s reaction or anger personally, even if they lash out at you in what seems a personal manner. (A big problem for me, I tend to take too much personally.)

      Respond (facts and feelings); do not react (feelings). 

      Understand that people want to feel heard more than they care about whether you agree with them. (This gives them a sense of being valued.)

      Look for common ground instead of focusing solely on differences.

      Work to keep a positive mental focus. 

References:   Walters, J., & Fenson, S. (2000). A crash course in communication. Retrieved from http://www.inc.com/articles/2000/08/20000.html

Communication Skills: Language, Nonverbal, Listening

The show I watched is Bizarre Foods.

     I have watched this show in part, once, but chose it because on the primary channels there were many interruptions of an amber alert.  I am not putting this alert down, it was on and off so many times, it was hard to watch a show with any consistency so I went to the Travel channel. 

     First, I watched without sound:  I was able to observe that the female was professional but friendly and open to hearing the questions her male companion was asking.  Our text describes non-verbal communication as “spontaneous and unintentional” (O’Hair, D. and Weirmann, M., 2009. p.103).   As I observed this show without sound, I saw hand gestures, especially of the male tourist and eye rolling and laughing of the woman. 

What assumptions did you make about the characters and plot based on the ways in which you interpreted the communication you observed?

     The woman in the show was friendly, relaxed therefore I assumed that they were working on a food show project. This woman took him to several restaurants and markets, and then I turned on the sound, as I wanted to hear what he was saying about the food.  When he was handed the fruit, I immediately knew what it was without being told. I tasted it in Africa; it had a different name than what the guide used because of the language difference but it was the same fruit. She called it Corazon in Spanish, which means heart.  We called this fruit “sour soop” and yes, it was sour and bitter. When he sampled the fruit, it was very distasteful to him.  Obviously, by the gesture of his hand and his face, he did not like it.  She was disappointed; her face showed disappointment, instead she threw her head back and laughed.  I think that I would call this “channel discrepancy” because she obviously was disappointed but laughed to cover up and not say something inappropriate. (Adapted from O’Hair & Wiemann, 2009)

Would your assumptions have been more correct if you had been watching a show you know well?

     If I had watched the show regularly, I would have known that she was a guide or if it were another show, I would have been more aware of the relationship of the two.

What do you think the characters’ relationships are based on the ways in which they are communicating?

     The person narrating the show was traveling to a tropical country to visit. The name of the country was not evident until I turned the sound on and discovered it was Puerto Rico.  Andrew, the name of the male had a female travel guide and she was taking him to different markets and restaurants with native foods.  The guide was open to his remarks of the beauty of the country and the foods.  Their relationship appeared to be relaxed and friendly but professional.  Then I turned the sound on, and that was when he was telling her how much he did not like the fruit. 

What are they feeling and expressing based on the nonverbal behavior you are observing?

     There was a sense of professionalism: relaxed and friendly but definitely a professional flavor and that is why I thought it might be colleagues working together on a food project.   

Write about your experience in your blog, including what you learned about communication from this experience and insights or “aha” moments you believe would be helpful to your colleagues.

     I think that the “aha” moment in this show was when he ate the pig’s ear.  He was surprised, his face reflected surprise and pleasure.   He expressed how much he liked the taste by verbally and non-verbal expressions.  He complemented with his face, his eyes and his hand gestures.  Another example of an “aha” moment and a non-verbal communication: he was at a family home in a remote village; after he had eaten, he thanked the younger women but kissed the grandma on the cheek.  Her reaction was smiles, eyes shining and hands clapping.   

     Tasting of bizarre foods brought to mind some of the strange, to my thinking, foods that I ate while in Africa.  Sour soop was one that I just could not tolerate; it was so bitter and stringy.  I did learn to enjoy many of their foods: and have even made the Mafia Tiga, peanut soup for my preschoolers.  That was a hit: they loved it.  That would be my personal “aha” moment, when the children ate the peanut soup and loved it and wanted more. 

     I have a better understanding of non-verbal communications skills and how they can be misinterperted and that verbal skills are skills to be worked on regularly so as to communicate what it is you are saying without misunderstandings. Life does not exist without communication, determining what kinds of skills you want to work for is the goal that each person has to ask themselves. 

Reference:

O'- Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2009). Real communication.

New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.