Nonviolent Communication and Conflict Management

FAMILY CONFLICT

Yesterday was a tough day for me, two of my sons and their families came to visit.  One I had not seen for a year.  For lunch, we all met at a small hamburger place, went for ice cream, and drove around K-State.  The conflict came when my sister and her family, decided that they were making the plans for the evening.  They decided on the place to go to eat, I had planned dinner at home with my family, and they came to my house and talked my sons and their families to go with them to eat.  That seemed fine but when the meal was finished they came back to my house and stayed for the whole evening.  I did not get a chance to talk to my family.  My sister and her daughter regulate the conversation.  At one point she suggested they go to her house as it was much bigger. After they left, my family only stayed for half an hour, it was late and they had a two-hour drive home.

I felt like she took all my time with them by planning the whole evening without even asking me.  She did say that if I did not want to go to that restaurant I could stay home with the seven kids and feed all of them.  My son, William said no, that does not work.  

As for communication skills, I had to step back, take a deep breath until morning before making a decision.  I consulted a friend as to how to handle my anger and disappointment.  She gave me some guidelines to follow which are in line with the 3 R’s, I was still pretty upset so it was good to have someone to talk to before I made a big mistake.  Usually when it comes to my sister, I just swallow it and go on but it has been building up for a number of years and this was like the last straw.  I felt that consulting someone who is more objective would be the best way. 

I just wanted to scream at my sister and tell her off.  It is much easier to talk to an angry parent than it is to talk to her.  In the past, she acts as if she did no wrong and cannot understand why I am upset.  My desire was to follow the skills in NVC by observing not evaluating, to think without all the feelings inside, to understand her side, but to clearly state my needs and how I felt she had overstepped my boundaries.

Respect, resolve and respond were extremely hard to follow but I do think that I did.  After consulting with my friend, I did write my sister an e-mail expressing my frustration and I was not accusatory or harsh, just expressed how I felt.  I kept in my ball part and was kind and respectful.  It was hard, but I know that what I said was not reactive but a good response. 

Having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries impact all areas of our lives: Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances -- Mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions -- Emotional boundaries help us to deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others.

 

References:

The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/

The Third Side. (n.d.). The third side. Retrieved from http://www.thirdside.org/

Cloud, H. & Townsend, J., (1992), Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life,   Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan